Diana's Diaries
by futurestar26
Summary: Natalie finds Diana's old diaries in the attic. As she reads them, she discovers so much more about her mother. Bad summary! Please read and review!


**Another random idea. I hope you enjoy!**

**And I don't own N2N...yeah...**

**(and don't even ask why Diana's maiden name is Sherwood, I just randomly wrote it lol)**

* * *

Natalie was looking for some wrapping paper. It was Henry's eighteenth birthday the next day and she to wrap his presents. But she couldn't find it anywhere.

"Dad, where's the wrapping paper?" she shouted downstairs.

"Is it in the upstairs closet?" he asked.

"No, I already checked."

"Try the attic."

"Thanks." And she did go up to the attic. It was messy and dusty and dark and she had always hated it, but she needed that wrapping paper. It was a thing between her and Henry. For each others birthdays, they had to wrap each others presents in the craziest paper they could find. She thought she could find something good enough in her house before she had to go out and buy something.

As she was searching she noticed an old trunk. She didn't remember ever seeing it before. Her curiosity got the best of her. Henry's wrapping paper could wait. It was only 2 p.m., she would have time to wrap presents. She checked out the trunk. It was filled with a bunch of different notebooks and journals. Most of the inside covers said _Diana Sherwood, _others said _Diana Goodman. _They had to be diaries. Natalie needed to read them. She dragged the trunk down the stairs and to her room.

Luckily they were all in order. She settled into her bed and started on page one of the first journal.

_October 12, 1984_

_The best thing happened to me today! Johnny Summers asked me out! Johnny Summers, the cutest boy in the freshman class. He came up to me during lunch and invited me to go ice-skating with him Saturday at The Ice Palace. Of course I said yes! This is my first date. I don't know what to expect. Johnny is supposed to be experienced for fourteen, if you know what I mean. Not that it bothers me or anything. It'll just make me nervous. But it's Johnny Summers! Do you believe it? What will I wear? I think I'll ask Mom to take me to the salon. I bet if I painted my nails and had my done all nice, Johnny would ask me to be his girlfriend. That would be so awesome! I'll let you know how it goes!_

So that explained why when Natalie was a freshman, her mom was always asking when she was going out on a date or if any boy had an interest in her. Natalie had to admit she was really excited to read on. Maybe she could find something really interesting about her mother.

_February 8, 1985_

_Johnny broke up with me! He did it during lunch in front of the whole school! I can't believe him, that jerk! He said it just wasn't working. But I know it has to do with Cindy Lakewood. All month she's been flirting with him. And afterschool today, they walked home together. I know he was trying to be sneaky about it, but I saw him. I saw that stupid pig! What did I ever see in him? Other than his looks, he's got nothing going for him. I think I should leave a nasty note for him in his locker tomorrow. He deserves it after he embarrassed me like this!_

Natalie kept flipping pages, getting more and more involved in her teenaged mother's life. It was pretty interesting. Her mother was wild at a young age, which made everything more interesting.

_May 17, 1986_

_Best sixteenth birthday ever! I got a car! A brand new 1986 Honda Civic Sedan! It's white and definitely the car I wanted. All my friends are insanely jealous! I was so sure I was going to get stuck with Dad's old pick-up, but I got a new car! Of course, we had to run out and get my lisence. I can't believe I can drive. This will be so amazing. All the places I can go! This summer is gonna rock. Stacey, Vanessa, and I are going to drive up to the lake every weekend. We'll make road trips out of everything. And the day got even better. Remember that boy I told you about? The one that moved in down the street? Well, he came over to check out the car. We took a drive around the block together and he invited me to dinner tomorrow. I'm really excited. He's so cute. Even cuter than Teddy. Even though it's only been two weeks since our break-up, I am so over him. Summer is just around the corner. I don't have time to sulk over an ex. I'm going to make the most of it, especially with the new car. And that's exactly why I'm going out with Kyle!_

Natalie couldn't help but smile at the mention of Vanessa and Stacey, Diana's best friends she hadn't seen in a year or two. And at the mention of Uncle Kyle. She knew they dated, but it didn't last long. They stayed friends though, really close friends. He was actually Natalie's godfather, hence the nickname Uncle Kyle.

_August 27, 1988_

_Leaving for school tomorrow. I can't believe I'm going to college. How did all this time go by? I can remember my first date with that fat pig Johnny Summers like it was yesterday. I can remember me doing it for the first time like it was an hour ago. Because it was! Score! Tom Litchfield, that boy I met last month at orientation. Who knew he lived a town over? Anyway, he invited me to a beach party and one thing led to another. Hey, I wasn't going to college a virgin and neither was he. So we just...helped each other out. I hope it won't be weird or anything when we get to school._

Natalie never thought her mother had really lied to her intentionally before. But her mom had made sure it was clear that her first time was with Dan. And now Natalie felt pathetic for actually believing her. She checked the clock. 3:30. Had she really spent an hour and a half reading about four years of her mother's life? She really needed to wrap Henry's gift. He was coming over that night and she didn't want any evidence lying around. But she just couldn't put those diaries down. She read on.

_March 3, 1989_

_I wish I didn't have so much work! I feel like I've wasted the first half of my freshman year studying. I've missed like four parties this weekend alone. But hey, if I want to be a good architect, I have to put in the work. Tom is still helping pass that math class. No, it isn't awkward even after we...did it. He's really smart and funny and nice. Too bad he already found a girlfriend, otherwise, we would so be dating..._

_January 18, 1990_

_I met this really cool guy today. His name's Dan Goodman. He's really cute and funny. We were both looking for the same book in the library and then got to talking. We went out to dinner and basically poured our souls over two beers. He's definitely the smartest guy I've ever dated. We're going out again tomorrow. I can't believe I hadn't seen him around all last year. I think I might really like him. But hey, it might be just a fling. Isn't that how I usually opperate?_

Natalie really enjoyed reading about her dad when he came into the picture. So of course she had to keep reading.

_May 3, 1992_

_So I'm pregnant. I sort of figured back in March when I missed my period, but I thought it was just...a coincidence. Then last month, hey another coincidence? But no. It's official. I'm having a baby. This is so crazy. I'm too young for this. I'll be 22 in two weeks and we graduate the weekend after that. I just scored that summer internship. I can't be having a baby. Not now. And I have no idea how I'll be telling my parents. I did tell Dan today though. He took it well. Way too well actually. He asked me to marry him. He thinks the baby is a sign that we're meant to be together. I'm not so sure. I called the idea crazy. All he did was smirk and say maybe it is. So I said yes._

It was just getting really good. Diana was pregnant with Gabe and she and Dan were going to get married. And of course the doorbell rang. Was it five already? She groaned, put the diary on her bed, and ran downstairs.

"Hey," she said to Henry. Dan had already let him in. She gave him a kiss. "Do you mind if we hang upstairs for now?"

"I thought we were going to dinner," Henry said.

"I know, but..." She looked at her dad. She couldn't admit that she was reading her mom's diary in front of her dad. "I found something cool and I just can't stop looking at it. Why don't we just go upstairs and listen to some music?"

"Uh, sure, I guess."

They went upstairs.

* * *

"Natalie, are you done reading that yet?" Henry asked. "I've been sitting here for an hour. I don't have anyone else to Facebook stalk. And we've listened to all our favorite songs all ready. We can still go to dinner."

"I know," Natalie said, "but this is so cool. Listen to this. _June 4, 1992. Eloped with Dan today. It was raining. Should I consider that an omen? I never thought I'd be married at 22. I never thought I'd be four months pregnant either. I always dreamed of my wedding night, and here I am pathetically writing in my diary._"

"Um, Nat, I don't feel comfortable snooping in your mom's diary. Can we please go out?"

"Just shuffle that playlist again. I'll just finish up a few more pages."

_August 9, 1992_

_We moved into our apartment today. It's small, but it sure as hell beats living with my parents. It only has a little kitchen, a bit of a sitting area, a bathroom, and two bedrooms. Well, I guess now one bedroom and a nursery. I'm due October 15, by the way. I doubt I wrote that before. I so resented pregnancy in the beginning, with all the sickness and everything. But now that I'm almost six months along, it's kind of cool. I'm pretty big now. Dan loves rubbing my belly. It's kind of creepy, but yes, sometimes I find myself doing that too. It's just incredibly cool. There's a baby inside me. I'm having a child that I get to raise. We decided to surprise ourselves with the sex of the baby. But I know it's a boy. I have a feeling._

"Natalie, please," Henry interrupted. "It's seven. Can't we do something?" He sat in bed next to her and started rubbing her thigh.

"Ssh," she said, pushing him away. "I'm getting closer and closer to my brother's birth."

"That's not weird at all."

_October 15, 1992_

_My due date! And no baby..._

_October 17, 1992_

_Still no kid. How long does he want to be inside me?_

_October 20, 1992_

_I've been pregnant way too long. I want this kid out of me!_

_October 22, 1992_

_Okay, they're inducing me tomorrow._

"Oh, Henry, this is entry!" Natalie said a little too enthusiastically. "She's going to have Gabe!"

"Oh, yayy!" Henry squealed sarcastically. "It's 7:30. After this can we go out?"

"Um..."

_October 24, 1992_

_I would have wrote it all down yesterday, but come on, I was in labor for twelve hours. I didn't really have time. But yes, I'm a mother now! My beautiful baby boy was born October 23 at 8:43 p.m. at 8 pounds 5 oz. He has the brightest blue eyes I have ever seen. He's just beautiful. We've named him Gabriel. Gabriel Thomas. Dan is so happy, I'm so happy. We've never been this happy together. I was so concerned about my future, but now all I care about is my son. My son! I can't believe I have a son. I don't need any more children. I will spoil my one son rotten and love him with my hole heart until the day I die._

Natalie shuddered. Diana made that promise to herself, to love her son with her hole heart until she died. She really was following through with that one. Natalie also felt a little disappointed. This entry just confirmed what she always expected. Diana never really wanted her.

"See, you finished it!" Henry said, jumping up. "Let's go out."

"No, wait," she said, grabbing his arm and pulling him onto the bed. "It's October and he died in June. I'm sure that will only take me a little while."

"But it's almost eight! I've been here for almost three hours. This is my last night of being a minor. I thought we'd do something crazy! You do realize that after tomorrow we can't go too crazy without the possibility of me going to jail."

"I know, I know. Let me read just a little bit more."

Henry groaned. "You're lucky I love you. 'Cause if I didn't, I would so be out of here."

"Thank you." And she gave him a kiss before continuing her reading.

_November 6, 1992_

_This baby is honestly the love of my life. He's just so perfect. My little prince. Dan works more hours now, but that's okay. I really don't mind spending the whole day with my son. I honestly wouldn't mind if I never left the house again. All I need is my little perfect Gabriel..._

_December 25, 1992_

_Baby's first Christmas! Gabe slept through most of it though..._

_January 22, 1993_

_First visit with Dan's parents, as well as baby's first plane ride. Of course he was a little angel and didn't cry one bit. It was a pretty long flight though, considering we had to fly all the way out to Delaware. But it was worth it. Dan's parents were really happy. I never thought they liked me, but I of course understand just how much a baby can change everything..._

"It's 8:30," Henry reminded her. "Once it's nine o'clock it is offically too late to go out to dinner."

"You know where the kitchen is," she said, turning the page. "If you're hungry go make a sandwich."

_February 14, 1993_

_Baby's first Valentine's Day! I dressed Gabe up in the cutest little outfit. He's the most adorable little thing in the whole wide world..._

_March 7, 1993_

_Gabe is so noisy these days. He makes all sorts of noises. I know it's early, but maybe he'll be talking soon! Although, I don't want my little baby to grow up too face. I remember this time last year how nervous I was that I might be pregnant. Now I wouldn't have had it any other way..._

_April 10, 1993_

_I took Gabe to the park today. He met so many new friends his age. He is such the ladies' man. But honestly, how could they resist such a gorgeous child? I'm busy setting up playdates as we speak..._

"Is he dead yet?" Henry groaned as he spun around in her desk chair.

"That is so inappropriate!" Natalie said, throwing a pillow at him. "But almost."

_May 26, 1993_

_Gabe's a little constipated. He has been for a few days now. I've taken him to the doctor. I'm about to give him his medicine. Dan says he'll be fine..._

_June 4, 1993_

_Gabe's fine. I'm so happy he's been healthy for a good week. Anyway, it's our one year anniversary! Dan brought me flowers and got my mom to babysit. We had a lovely dinner. I didn't know if I would ever love him the way he loved me, but I think I do. I know I do. And it's all thanks to Gabe..._

_June 16, 1993_

_I can't even...I can barely write this down. I'm crying so hard. I've locked myself in the bathroom and away from Dan. How can he be this calm? Our son just died! That's right. Gabe is dead. My poor little baby...Gone! My only reason for living is gone. Gone with no warning. He was perfectly healthy. He was such a happy, smiling baby. He was my pride and joy. My soul. My heart! My entire world! And now he's left me. I went to check on him and he was just lying so still in his crib. Then he cried. And cried. He was so cold. Freezing. Something was wrong. I grabbed Dan and we rushed to the hospital. We did so much waiting. We didn't even get to in with him, our child! And then that nurse came out...and she simply said your child is...Dan's banging on the door right now, saying we need to talk, but I'm never leaving this bathroom. Not until someone tells me this is just one sick, twisted nightmare._

"Natalie, it's 9:15 and I'm starved," Henry said, really getting annoyed. "Maybe I should just go home."

"Wait, you don't have to leave," Natalie said, putting a diary down for the first time that night. "I'll stop reading. Let's go watch a movie."

By the time Henry left, it was 11:30. He was coming over the next day at four after a day with his parents. Once the front door was shut, Natalie ran up to her room, got into her pajamas, locked her door, and picked up where she had left off.

_July 7, 1993_

_Dan came home with a little suggestion today. He thinks we should try for another baby. I know I haven't been acting the same since Gabe...since the...but can you blame me? He was my first born? My little prince! My beautiful baby boy. He knows I miss Gabe, and he says he does too. He says it's both weighing on us very heavily. I agree. Dan says the solution is simple. We miss have a baby around. He thinks if we have another child, we'll be happy again. Maybe he's right..._

_August 22, 1993_

_We're trying, really trying, for a baby. It just isn't working out. Dan's getting frustrated. I don't understand why it's important for us to have another one. I'm okay with sitting around in my pajamas all day for now. I'm still grieving. I need to find a way to keep Gabe's memory alive..._

_September 13, 1993_

_I'm pregnant. Again. When the test came back positive, we cried. Dan out of joy, mine out of sheer and total pain. Agony really. What if this baby died too? What if it wasn't the most horrible accident in the world, as Dan put it. What if it's me? What if I did something wrong? I don't want another baby. Not now..._

Pages and pages of Diana venting about how much she didn't want to be pregnant, and it did hurt Natalie, but she had to keep reading. Diana's diary was probably the most exciting piece of literature Natalie had read in a long time.

_October 24, 1993_

_Today would be Gabe's first birthday. I've spent the whole day crying. I can't even write anymore._

_December 25, 1993_

_A year ago today it was baby's first Christmas. Now it's me spending most of the day with my head in toilet. I wouldn't have to be going through this if my precious was still here with me. Dan's just been smiling all day. How can he smile? After all we've been through..._

_January 1, 1994_

_Another year, another reason to miss my son..._

_January 30, 1994_

_Dan thinks I should get a job. He thinks it'll take my mind off of everything. He's arranged for me to interview for a part time position at a day care. As if being around children five days a week is what I need right now..._

_February 19, 1994_

_Dan has planned something special for this weekend. We're driving out to a resort a few hours away. He really is trying to make me happy again, but I'm just not in the mood..._

2:30 in the morning. Natalie really needed to sleep. She had to get her rest if she wanted to make up for what happened with Henry. She did feel bad, but she just had to get through...well, as many of the diaries that Diana had. She thought she heard her dad moving about in the hallway so she turned off the light and continued to read by flashlight.

_March 10, 1994_

_Officially one more month until this baby is due. Once again, the sex is a mystery. But I know it's not a boy. I don't have that same feeling I had when I was pregnant with Gabe..._

_April 10, 1994_

_No baby. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing._

_April 12, 1994_

_I'm not waiting any longer. I'm not looking forward to it but we're going to the hospital tomorrow._

_April 13, 1994_

_Is it bad that I had time to write the night my daughter was born and I didn't the night my son was? Natalie Elizabeth was born today, 4:16 p.m, 7 pounds 9 oz. She looks like Dan. When she came out, she was crying. Gabe did too, but Natalie's cries sounded different to me. Louder. Scarier. I couldn't hold her. I couldn't let myself hold her..._

Natalie had to take a minute before she could keep reading. She didn't know if she wanted to read about exactly how her mother felt about her. And yet, she needed to know. She went on.

_April 27, 1994_

_Natalie just cries. And cries. I can't handle it. When she cries, I cry. Dan's been doing everything. All I can do is watch. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like a mother. Not like I did with Gabe..._

And they were all like that. Natalie would cry, Dan would check on her. Diana was totally detached. Slowly Gabe started coming into the picture again. It started with her thinking she'd seen an toddler in the family room or nursery. Then she connected it back to Gabe. Natalie couldn't help getting the chills as she read it. It was all just so creepy. Her mom had been gone for monts, and dealing with a mental illness for many years, and yet Natalie had no idea what it was actually like. But reading it made it all the more real.

4 a.m. and she was on:

_July 19, 1997_

_Natalie and Dan are visiting his parents this weekend. I'm not feeling that well; just getting over a cold. But I don't want to go anyway. I want to stay here, in the house, see if I see Gabe..._

5:30 and it was:

_March 8, 2000_

_Natalie's already working out a birthday wish list. She's got a whole month. But Gabe tells me all kids are like that. I used to feel like these years in Natalie's life would be my first time around dealing with that age group, but Gabe's walking me through it. He really reminds me that Natalie is the second child..._

6:15 and the sun was rising. Natalie clicked off the flashlight and opened the blinds to get some natural light. Surprisingly she wasn't that tired.

_November 4, 2003_

_Natalie had a piano recital today. I couldn't stand all that classical music. I ended up having to walk out in the middle of it. I hear she did wonderfully though..._

7:30 and Natalie heard her father getting up. She was sure to be absolutely silent to avoid him coming into the room. I'm sure he'd be upset if he knew she was reading Diana's diaries. Wait, did he know about them?

_April 13, 2005_

_Natalie turned 11. I missed the party. I had to spend the day in therapy. Apparently Gabe's becoming a little too present in our lives. That's what Dan says. Gabe and I disagree. I'm sure Natalie would too if she came out of her room these days. Oh, wait, that's me..._

8:15 and Natalie smelled waffles. But she had to finish! There were only a few diaries left. She could do it! She was determined.

_November 1, 2007_

_Would you believe that Natalie got her period and went to Dan instead of me? What am I doing wrong with her? Dr. Fine says this means the medicine is working. It's making me practical again. I think it's just making me more and more paranoid. Gabe agrees. He always agrees. He makes me feel so much better, especially when Natalie or Dan brings me down..._

9:30 and it was finally 2010! Natalie was on the last entry. A day that was all too familiar.

_March 1, 2010_

_I'm leaving Dan tonight. I'm all packed and ready to go. This will be my last entry ever. Looking back on all that I've written, these diaries do nothing to help me. They just bring back too many bad memories. Today I walked out on Dr. Madden. No more medicine or therapy or ECT. Just me, myself, and I. And time. Time to heal my way. I also had a lovely talk with Natalie. I think we're finally for once in our lives on the same page. We'll get by. I'm leaving all these diaries in the attic. Hopefully one day she'll find them and read them. Some pages she'll laugh at, some she'll cry, and from hopefully this one she will gain a certain understanding. I want her to know I love her. So Natalie, if you are reading this, I know it had to be tough for you to have me as mother. I wasn't always there for you. But I want you to know that even though I'm not living in the house with you, I am here for you know. And I do love you. And not as much as can. I will love you with my hole heart until the day I die. It's your turn for that kind of love now. You deserve it._

Natalie smiled with tears in her eyes after reading her mother's message. She really did care. She really did love her. Natalie put the diaries back in the attic and finally wrapped Henry's presents.


End file.
